For the next few months after Guy and I split. I really hated myself. and I mean really.
There wasn't a day that I could look at myself in the mirror and not hate everything I saw. I was this blonde, over weight, bitch to myself. It came to the point that I was showering in the dark.
Pathetic, I know.
I remember slowly dragging my ass out of bed for an 8 am class, taking the long way to school to minimize the amount of people I had to see and staying in a fog through all of my classes. I didn't study, I didn't even give one gram of fuck. I let the whole situation overtake me.
** Now, I know some of you might be rolling your eyes right now thinking "oh my god, this guy dumped you, get over yourself."
But it was more than that. I lost someone I loved. Someone I made a decision to let in. To trust. I'd given a lot of myself to this person. And so did my family. It wasn't JUST about the fact that he chose someone else over me. It was being depressed but knowing full well, I could feel a different way. But I chose not to. I physically ached, emotionally drained from crying every single day for months.
It was exhausting hating myself.
There was one day where I crawled into the shower, turned up the heat and sobbed on my knees in the bathtub. I begged for God to just take me right then and there. I kept repeating "I hate myself, please please." I needed help. I needed something to drag me out of this hole I was in.
It went on for months. Most of the people I had around me were great. I had so much support. From my family and my friends. It was amazing. There was just so much love, and I didn't understand why they could love me, but Guy couldn't.
December rolls around. My favorite month. My birthday and Christmas were just around the corner and I wanted absolutely nothing to do with them. I didn't want to plan a birthday, I just wanted to skip the whole month and forget about it.
On December 23, I found out that I was "required to withdraw" from school. Perfect! Another kick to the ribs! By this point, I think I'm finally starting to realize, enough is enough.
I stopped feeling sorry for myself. I quit that shit cold turkey. I put on pants more regularly and started to care about what was going into my body.
That "help" I needed, the answer I was looking for... was me. I needed to change what was going on if I wanted things to get better.
This is finally where I started to realize, I was the change my life was missing.
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