loving at a distance

So, for all the readers who have read my blog from the very beginning... you would know that I went through a rough break up.
I'm now able to happily say, I am in a relationship with a wonderful man.
I'm in a very healthy relationship.
We are open, honest, and communicate more than most couples would in their first year together.
We both recognize that each of us need that communication to feel healthy. So that's what we've created.

My Mr. is calming, compassionate, loving, generous, gentle and just an overall amazing human being. I'm sure there are a few things down the road that I'll learn about him, we all have our little imperfections, but I can't wait to see them and love him anyways.
Jam is the first person that I've ever wanted to fight for. Through thick and thin, no matter where we end up, I will fight for him.

Here's the fun part - we're 450 km's apart.
Quit yer bitchin' I'm in a different province/country/state/whatever... 

I get it. It's not really that far.
I know one of the sweetest girls in my life, has just waited 10 months to see her hunk. 10 months guys. No touch for 10 months? Come onnnnn!

I would be lying if I said that long distance wasn't that bad.
It's absolutely horrible some days.
We get to visit at least every 2 weeks. Which is fantastic, and we've promised to never go longer.
But, I am someone who needs a physical connection. I love the hand holding, the waist grabs, the hugs, the forehead kisses... I love it all. And I crave it when I'm away.
Besides the fact that I can't be in his presence as often as I'd like, I think this is what I miss most.

How do I do this? It's not that far into the relationship, but I'm struggling guys!
I have 4 more months dedicated to this town...
Then where do I go? What do I do?
Why is making adult decisions so dang difficult?

learning to love

Silence as I walk these unfamiliar streets.
I can hear my flats lightly brush the pavement. The gravel beneath me mutters as I awaken it from it's overnight position.
My thoughts are quickly dancing in and out of my head. It's early.
Coffee.
I stand amongst 8 men. One chimes Good Morning. The others sigh and grunt, grumpy from the late night and early arrival of morning.
I stare at my feet. I yawn. I shiver.

I climb 4 stairs, look into a sea of strangers and carefully select whom I'll share arm space for 1 hour.
My head bobs, my body lightly sways.
Silence. A snore. More silence.

Loneliness floats through the aisles. Resentment. Exhaustion.
If it was Thursday, perhaps a light smattering of excitement for the arrival of the end of the day.

I feel like a number. A little less important than the others. Ones with tickets and trades.
Fort McMurray. You are a strange place. One I will give a chance. One I will stick out. One that holds many people I love dearly.
But you are hard to love.
Open, light up.

Just then, the northern lights dance through the sky.
I see you, you are heard.

Who are you losing weight for?

A conversation came up between my girlfriend and I yesterday that really struck a cord with me.
For so long, I've been wanting to lose weight. Why?
Because I was bullied in school. Because I was never "that girl" who guys fawned over. Because my jean size and my best friends (at the time) horrified me. Because I couldn't wear shorts without feeling so self conscious. Because I wanted people to look at me and say, god she's beautiful.
Because I thought I could never be loved unless I was skinny, tight & toned, with bronzed skin, long gorgeous hair & a perfectly make up'd face.
I truly thought that. Until someone I loved with all my being, taught me a life lesson.
I could no longer depend on anyone to tell me I was beautiful. I could no longer place so much of myself into someone else's hands. They cannot create my life. They WILL NOT create my life. I will.
I refuse to think that I will have a happier life based on someone else's thought of me. I refuse to believe that when I lose weight, I can finally feel unashamed about my body. I refuse to even feel shame.
My body is a freakin' miracle. This 5'7, piece of work drug me 13.1 miles, through Disneyworld to complete my first half marathon. This body, has been put through hell. I've starved it, over fed it, fed it & puked it up, I've been an asshole to it. Yet here I stand. Breathing. Alive.

Why do I want to lose weight?
Because I am beautiful & deserve to look and feel my best.
Who do I need to look my best for?
Me. I'm not going to lie, I want to be a hot girlfriend. I want my future man to be proud to have me as his girlfriend. But who decided that I can't be that now. Where did I suddenly get the idea that because I'm 30 pounds away from my goal, I can't be a hot girlfriend. There's this idea in my mind, that because I have curves, because I wear a size 12 and a 36DD, and I wear high rise jeans to hid some of my extra's, that I'm worth less than a girl who is a size 2, who wears a 32B and wears low rise jeans. And on the other hand, I'm not worth more than her either. Her and I are just different. We're different heights, weights, hair color, eye color. We're all different. Why can't that be okay?

It can be. And it is.
If you have ever felt as if you are not enough, as if you are not worth as much as someone else...
Maybe you need to look at what you are basing that thought off of. Have YOU decided that you aren't worth it or enough? Or are you listening to people tell you that?

From this moment on, I am losing, toning, tightening & creating a better and stronger me.
For ME.
& only Me.
Because I'm worth it.

Self love & Self Sabotage

How many times in life have I said...
I wish... I want... I can't wait till...

This morning, I read my daily email from the Universe! It's one of the things I most look forward to in my morning routine. I sip my coffee & read the chosen email of the day.
Sometimes, they strike absolutely nothing in me, and I delete them.
Other days, the emails are so bang on, I get goosebumps.
Today was a goosebump day. Guess I better get at it.

How quickly would you like to be surrounded by wealth and abundance, Lauren? Have even more friends and enjoy more laughter? How fast would you like to Fall in love , or have your own fabulous self confidence ?  If you answered "Pronto," "ASAP," or "Duh" to any or all of these questions, could it be that you've momentarily forgotten that the absolute fastest way to manifest change is to claim that you already have it? To withdraw your attention from the yearning? To think, speak, and act "as if"?  I didn't think so.  Tallyho, ho, ho,      The Universe

Lately, I've been struggling daily with self-love & battling a lot of blame and self-sabotage.
I made a decision about my relationship with someone that I've had a hard time sticking to.
At the same time, my beautiful best friend, made a similar one.
We've spent about 90% of our time, together. And I'm SO grateful that the universe handed us this at the same time. It has brought us even closer than we ever could have imagined & has proved us with an enlightened understanding of each others inner workings. I wouldn't be able to do this without her.

When you doubt yourself, what does that look like for you?
For me, doubting myself leads to endless eating of unnecessary food. This is called binge eating.
It sometimes gets to the point of uncomfortable. I lose all control and I get the feeling where I just cannot stop. I want so badly to curb this habit. I have definitely made progress from where I used to be... aka: Hiding chocolate under my bed as a teenager, buying food with my babysitting money and eating it when no one could see me, and even middle of the night or early morning junk binges.
Once I've stuffed myself like a Thanksgiving turkey, I sit in a puddle of anger and loathing.
I hate no one but myself.
While I'm eating, I feel "full". Not, I can't eat anymore "full", "full" as in a void is filled.
Something that was missing, isn't anymore.
The feeling lasts all of two seconds.
And then I feel empty again. And then I feel hate.
My mind races with thoughts and feelings. "Remember that bikini you soooo badly wanted to fit into? Guess that's not happening anymore..." "Really, Lauren? Again..?" "God, I wish I could stop this..."
Sometimes, I cry. Sometimes, I just go to sleep.

This happens in waves. More so when I get overwhelmed with a lot of life things happening.
I'm definitely getting better at stopping myself, asking myself if I really need it, or keeping myself occupied with another task to keep my mind away from eating.
I want so badly to say, that this will never happen again. That I won't binge one late night when I feel overwhelmed and lonely. But I can't yet.
What I can say, is that I'm trying. I'm desperately trying to put the binge eating behind me and find healthy alternatives to turn to.

At the end of the day, I'm not perfect. ( I KNOW THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION!!!!!!)
But my new favorite saying is, I hold myself to a standard of grace and not perfection. 
I'm a work in progress. And I always hope to be.
The self love needs to step up a notch & the self-sabotage needs to back off.
I just have to remember that, bottom line, I'm going to be okay.

RunDisney Race Recap

RunDisney race: Disney Princess Half Marathon

So here's a recap of the race itself as well as my opinion and thoughts on RunDisney races!
I realize that not everyone will feel the same way that I feel about this... so again, I repeat... MY OPINION:

1. We arrived the Friday before the race. I wanted to have a relax vacation after my race instead of being exhausted before I had to run 13.1 miles. We stayed in a condo type place - that way we could cook our own meals & I could create a comfy Lauren space before my race.

2. Pre-race fuel. Of what little races I've ran, the majority of my training took place in the evenings, so I just went with something I knew I would eat & enjoy the morning of the race. My go to is Peanut Butter toast & activia yogurt. I was soooo nervous before this race that I could barely get through the two pieces of toast I made. So even though I wasn't planning to, I packed a granola bar to slowly eat throughout the race just in case I got crazy hungry... and I did!

3. Race Outfit choices: I ran in Lululemon Wunder Under Crops, a lululemon halter tank & a disney minnie mouse tank. My shoes are asics and I wouldn't even go to anything else for a running shoe. I have a pretty neutral foot, so I don't need much compensation & asics always provide a comfy home for my feets! I wore Nike dri-fit socks... shockingly a sock that tells you if it's a Left foot or a Right foot, makes a difference. I love the compression they give me and they are more padded in some areas than in others. I also ran with the Nathan Minimist Hydration vest. I ran with this during my 10km, but I'll be honest, I don't think I spent enough time making sure that the vest was strapped to me properly. About an hour and a half in, I was in major back pain and I knew taking off the vest was going to relieve it... but I also knew I wouldn't want to put it back on. Other than that, I LOVE that thing. Keeps your water cold and has handy little pockets for lots of goodies. I also more often than not, run with a hat on. I find that it blocks sun & helps from sweat running down my forehead.

4. Prepping for the race: I somewhat wish I had have tried to meet some other people travelling from here for the race. It would have been really nice to meet some other ahead of time, just to see some familiar faces on the road.

5. I will say that I really enjoyed the RunDisney experience. My bib was personalized with "Princess Lauren" written on the front. It was also customized by colour for your favourite princess. Mine is Belle so my bib was Yellow & purple. I didn't spend a ton of time at the Expo. I did get my free t-shirt and little mesh bag to carry my things in. However, I was disappointed that there weren't more free trial sized things from the expo. I mean come on... free shit rocks. AmIright? For the overall price of the race ($160) I was pleasantly surprised by the amount of water stations/powerade stations & the Gu station that was on the race. (*I did not stop here... Gu freaks me out*) Of course my favourite part was the medal. It is STUNNING. And I'll be honest, I carry it in my purse right now. I looooove showing that puppy off. I was NOT happy with the route of the race. It wasn't really "running through Disney" as I had expected. I'm curious to know if the Disneyland race will be different.

6. Overall, the amount of people there to help field people & answer the many questions of people was outstanding. There wasn't a second of the whole race that there wasn't someone available for us. It was truly awesome to have so much support. Majority of the people were shouting uplifting messages to us all as we ran through water stations, cheering stations or even from picking up garbage on the side of the road.

Would I run a RunDisney race again? Absolutely. But I would NEVER do it alone again. I totally respect that some people just need to do their races independently... but I so need the extra push from people. Here's a few more photos, and I promise... no more "I RAN A FREAKIN HALF MARATHON" all over the blog. ; )

13.1 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm back!  & I finished my first Half Marathon when I was away...
Holy Smokes!
I can't really wrap my head around the fact that it's over, just like that!

I was REAL nervous leading up to the race. I took a week off of running before the race date to recharge my body and make sure I was well rested before I left.
I also tried my best to eat really clean and give my body lots of good nutrients leading up to the race day & hydrating like crazy!

I tried to boost myself up a lot that week. Make sure that I was talking nicely & not negatively... but I'll be honest, I was so doubtful that I would actually finish it.
I kept trying to tell myself that it was only a few hours of my life & it would be over and I might even be satisfied with myself.

We landed in Orlando dinner time Friday (we had a layover in Denver that lasted long enough for us to watch Canada whoop the US in Hockey... sorry American readers...) the nerves started to fly later that night. The next morning we slept in a bit, and then headed to the ESPN Wide World of Sports to pick up my race package and goodies!

I ended up with a raging migraine that day - so I had a good nap that afternoon and then spent the rest of the day hydrating like crazy and relaxing in the pool at our hotel.
That night, it was early to bed (9:30) because we all had to be up at 2 am to drive to Epcot for the race start.
My family is amazing! They all got up with me - smiles on their faces, ready to rock the finish line! I am SO incredibly lucky!

We got there and took a few photos, enjoyed some warm up music - and I brought a Zumba instructor... so Karrone and I definitely did some routines as my warm up! It was a blast.
They started calling corrals and soon I was up!
I hugged everyone goodbye and went on my way. We had about a 25 minute walk to the start line, so I used that time to get myself in the zone & listen to some relaxing music.

My head was zooming with thoughts - do you have to pee? what if you have to pee? you should probably pee now... oh god, the line up to pee is ridiculous. Am I going the right way? Did I pack my granola bar? Are my minnie ears still on my head? Seriously, am I going the right way? I should totally pee. Nahhh, I'll be okay. I just peed like 4 minutes before I started walking. Where's my corral? WOW there's a lot of people here. I'm hungry. Oh look, my corral. Corral I. Shit. I'm on the wrong side. I can't get to my corral. Ugh. I have to walk alllll the way around again? Stupid. I guess I wasn't going the right way. Well this is embarrassing. Hey no one knows me. Thank god for that. Okay, here we are. I'm going to do some stretching. Yup. Shoulda peed.

For every corral, there was fireworks when they ran across the start line! That was entertaining! Except that I was corral I and I had to go through A-H before I could go. It made me so nervous just standing there waiting. Finally, my corral was up to start. Here goes nothing. The fireworks went off, and my feet started grooving. I just kept repeating "Run your own Race... don't let the excitement tire you out to fast" My slow start paid off and gave me a good start to get through the first few miles.
It all went by so quickly and suddenly, I was at Mile 4. I wasn't feeling so hot. I was trying to take deep breaths and small sips of water. I started to really feel it towards the end of the mile and knew something was gunna come up... and it did. Mile 5, I puked. The medic station wanted me to lie down - but I just couldn't stop. So I kept on going.
The inbetween miles, I just remember continually repeating "Just Keep Running". I really wanted to stop, but I didn't. Even if it was a slow, slow, slooooowwww pace, I still kept running.
By Mile 9, I was determined to give up. I was ready to call my parents and tell me to come get me. I was SO over this whole running thing and didn't want to keep going.
I started saying to myself.
"There's no one here to tell you to keep going. No one is going to do this for you and you have no one to rely on but yourself. You need to motivate yourself. You are here for you. This is your run, you've brought yourself here. So finish it. Giving up isn't an option." And it wasn't. I refused to bring myself to a different country for a run that I'd be training for and give up.
So I kept running.
The mental game is harder than the run itself. "You should stop" "DON'T STOP RUNNING" "No seriously, just walk the rest" "DON'T DO IT!" "It's finnnne, just give up" "You. Can. Do. This."
I have never gone through so many emotions.
At Mile 5, after getting sick... I was mad.
At Mile 7, I remember being somewhat satisfied with my pace and getting into music and just trying to keep going.
At Mile 9, I was fueled with determination and a little anger.
At Mile 11, tears were slowly streaming down my face at the thought that I was almost done.
At Mile 12, I just wanted to be done. People kept saying, it's right around the corner. It never really was...
Until...
I rounded a corner and saw seas of people with signs, cheering and screaming peoples names...
I wanted so badly to see my family. Anything to help me cross the finish line and give me the push I needed to bust out the rest of the run.

How SWEET are these 4 people! I die.

And there they were... Jumping and yelling.

Tears flooded my eyes and I couldn't hold back.
I crossed the finish line of my first half marathon at 3:04:18.

Not the time I wanted, but the feeling I wanted.
The feeling of accomplishment of something I NEVER thought I could do.
And I did it.

And I'm crazy enough to say I'll do it again... although that wasn't how I felt when I finished... 

Brother & Sister Love!

Finally sitting... it never felt soooo good

Grace & Love

I'm a believer in personal development & learning in many ways to improve myself and be the BEST Lauren I can be.

I've done some "seminar" workshops in the past few years, starting when I was 18.
It was SO enlightening & I was made more aware of so much about myself that I had either decided to hide from or just ignore entirely.
The last seminar I participated in completely changed my life & threw me 180 from where I was.
I wanted the clarity and peace that they provided me again.
I found myself craving it.
So when the opportunity to play "The Samurai Game" arose.. I went for it, immediately. No excuses, I decided I would make the payments work, I was just going to DIVE right in.

This weekend provided me with more than I figured it would. As time approached, I found myself not actually wanting to participate at all.
There were ample moments that my entire body was in full out resistance to the idea of me going to this seminar.
But I went anyways.
I'm not going to talk details at all.
But I am going to say... I am releasing the idea that I am a failure & disappointment.
And I am stepping into the ability to be loved & practice grace!
Pretty freakin' wicked weekend if you ask me.

So with that, I am recommitting to myself and the ability to practice SELF LOVE.
I went out on a run last night, needed to clear my head and just spend some time with my feet and the pavement... or should I say ICE.
EFF MY LIFE.
1. I CANNOT run on a treadmill. I mean I COULD, but I choose not to. I will die of boredom and give up 20 minutes in unless I have countless hours of the Kardashian's to watch in front of me.
2. I WILL NOT run on a track alone. Natalya and I hit up the Kinsmen track last week - and it was awesome, but only because I had her beside me to bitch & complain with.

So my determined little self, laced up, and I headed outside to wander for a while.
I have a path that I absolutely LOVE to run... but I haven't ran it in a while, due to the extremely cold temps and I wasn't sure if it would be clear.
I took the chance last night, because I was so determined and there was something in me that just needed to be pushed.
I found myself in a groove a lot sooner than I normally am.
Most of the paths were bare, until the end of my run.
There were the "oh shitttttt" moments where I caught myself as I was sliding around the downtown paths.
Until this one moment... when I was slowly... and I mean S.L.O.W.....L..........Y running up this perfect sheet of ice.
{I realize that this is ridiculous & some of you are probably like, why did you even go this way?
But it was dark & it's my path and I don't normally stray from it cause I'm scared to go elsewhere and get kidnapped.}
So here I am, slowly chugging up this hill, when it happens...
I lose my footing.
My fingers brisk the ice.
I feel contact with the ice to my chest.
& I'm sliding.
Down.
Faster & Faster.
I hear "oooommmmmfffff"
I've run into another human being whose trying to help me up without me taking him down with me.
{Only in Lauren's life...}

I embarrassingly accepted his help up. And thanked up, while turning bright red & nervously giggling at the thought of him watching me slide stomach first down this hill...
Best part? ... He never said A WORD.
Not once.
Talk about AWKWARD.
I went off on my merry way and finished a lovely 9.94km's in 59 minutes.
Yay me! Boo City for your absolute SHIT pathways...
Remind me again?
Oh right, I'm practicing GRACE... obviously not very literally.

Happy Tuesday
XO

What it felt like to Turn ON the lights

I've mentioned in previous posts, that I disliked myself so much that I created a habit of always showering in the dark. The bathroom light, barely ever turned on.
If it did, I was already dressed.
I avoided mirrors until clothes covered my body because I couldn't bare to look at myself.
This continued for many months.
Jokes about mixing up conditioner and shampoo aside... It gave me an eerie calming feeling.
It was like nothing could see me, nothing could touch me and most importantly nothing could hurt me.
My hurt stemmed from self abuse. I was starving myself and torturing my mind and body because I felt I deserved it.
All for a guy. PFT. Glad I got over that. 

It sounds like a have a phobia, while I wouldn't go that far, there was a point where I said enough is enough.
I specifically remember Jana saying "Quit that shit already."
She was right, enough was enough.
I started to turn on the lights... and it wasn't so bad.
I started to see me for me, for every mole, every freckle, every crease and dimple.
I didn't like what I saw.
So I started slowly.
I wrote little messages with window writers on my mirrors.
Things like: "You're beautiful", "Stay Strong", "No man will ever define you"
Little reminders to myself that I'm worthy, that I deserve good things & I deserve the light switches turned ON.

As ladies do, we compare, we dream & we desire.
All for something different than what we already have.
The grass is always greener. But it isn't.
There's new trends going around that freak me out, quite honestly.
Bikini Bridges? Those creepy collar bones? Thigh Gaps?
Oh goooodddd. Enough already.
I'm guilty. 100%.
I want a tight, toned body. And I'll work for it to get it.
But I wanted to enjoy the ride & be able to watch my progress.
I wanted to not look in the mirror and hate myself every step of the way.
Turning on the lights, gave me a new perspective.
When I stopped showering in the dark, I promised myself that for every negative body comment I made, I had to think up 3 good ones.
It's playing a game with myself, I realize that.
But slowly, the negative body talk, ended.

Yes. There are days that I grab at my stomach and suck it all in.
That I wish it was happening faster & that I wish I did more squats.
But the reality is, no matter where you are in a health journey... even if you aren't even on one...
Turn ON the lights.
Brighten your body talk.
We all deserve to help each other turn on the light switches... no one should live in darkness alone.

"You've lost weight this week"

I hit up my regular Saturday morning meeting this week. Filled with the faces I love to see, & even though I haven't been in a while... I still got the warm fuzzy feeling I always get from my WW peeps!

I wasn't nervous or excited about this meeting.
I knew it might not be what I wanted to hear... but I knew I needed to hear it.
Whatever the number was, I'll deal with it.
I kept repeating this to myself all week.
You've done it before, you can do it again.
Yet, I found myself "going easy", I didn't beat myself up too much. There were moments of "um you sure you wanna do that?" but there were also moments where I made the right decision... I mean I ordered a veggie platter at The Canadian Brewhouse for Pete's sake... that's dedication!

I stood on the scale.
"You're down 4.6 this week"
I'M SORRY, WHAT?!?
How in the hell did that happen?
My response was "Well it's about time!"
But, I hadn't really done anything.
I did work out a few times, I watched what I was eating way better & I didn't eat a scone for breakfast every. single. morning.
It's the little things is what I'm trying to say.
If you are out there, somewhere, and struggling to find a way to start... start itty bitty.
Start with replacing the 3rd Full fat latte of the day, with tea or water.
Start by adding a handful of almonds in between your meals.
Don't just quit cold turkey.

The reason I love weight watchers is because of exactly that.
You don't have to QUIT anything.
Everything is in moderation. If you want it, have it... but don't eat 15 reese peanut butter cups in one sitting.
That's just not okay & you'll probably get diabetes.
Plus, that shit
does not make you feel good about yourself.

I promised myself I would learn to love me for me.
Whether heavy or light... whether fast or slow...
I was learning to love myself for my imperfections. No. Matter. What.

Did I take a hiatus from running for the month of December? Yup.
Did I overindulge on Holiday goodness? A little bit, yup.
Did I consistently call myself fat & ugly? NOPE.

There's my change.
I know I'm not fat & ugly. NO ONE IS.
I will always struggle with my relationship with food... but that's okay.
I have accepted that food & I don't always get along, but I'm stronger now & have way more tools and support to make it through the days that food tries to succumb me.

2014, will be the tits.
It already has been.
I'm still dedicated, I'm running a half marathon & I love myself.
What more could I need?

Hello? Motivation? Where are you?

Okay - I am exactly 45 days away until I run a half marathon. I have 368 days till I hit the beaches of Maui for Natalya and my Goal Weight Vacation.
I'm missing something?...
Oh right. ya! My motivation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What the effffff, Lauren?
I've gained about 4 lbs over the holidays and I'm all devastated like I have no idea what happened...
But I did it to myself. So it's time to undo it.
Enough already.
I'm self sabotaging myself, I'm making excuses. Even my fitbit is asking me WTF?

Excuses:
1. Lazy
2. Procrastination
3. Too cold
4. I've got time... (slowly becoming a reality that I REALLY don't have time)
5. My body is pissed I haven't been moving - so I'm sore and constantly hurting myself
6. Other things to do

I'm going back to 30 min Hit tonight, I need to punch something in the face & hopefully it's the Food Devil in my head.
Spinach smoothies are coming back in full force.
I feel like garbage & I'm at the end of my rope with myself...

Holiday Wrap Up!

I have so many thoughts running through my mind tonight...
I'm cuddled closely with the family fur baby. Thankfully she's been with me for a week while my parents deservingly hit the beaches of Mexico.
The same day they left, my best friend and her family took off to Orlando for vacation.
I've had ample opportunity to think, be silent & relax over the holidays that I actually welcomed going back to work.
Odd.

This Christmas was amazing. Every year it is.
But this one was special. We had our family of 5 + fur baby in my brother's first home.
We're a totally normal family. We get on each other's nerves, we get frustrated & say things we don't mean. But we really love each other.
I am SO proud of my brother & sister in law for hosting us all this Christmas. Mainly because they have created a really "warm" home.
I ended up squatting there for most of the week - it was really nice to be around everyone, even though I had to work. It was nice to wake up to a house filled with people I love.
I've done a really great job of learning to love the home I created & being alone, if I say so myself.
But there's still moments that I really wish I shared them with someone. That I could wake up to another human in the mornings.
Someone to hug & talk with when I get home from work. It'll come someday soon, I hope.
But for the holidays, this was the best gift my siblings could give to me. Waking up in a warm house, filled with people I love. It was the greatest feeling.

"People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel" ~ Maya Angelou
This couldn't be more true.

The feeling that I get when my brother tells me he's proud of me, the feeling I get when my sister in law tells me she loves me, the feeling I get when my mom runs her fingers through my hair as I rest my head on her chest, the feeling I get when my dad calls me little muffin, the feeling I get when my best friend and I laugh so hard when we first wake up after a night of Gilmore girls, the feeling I get when Penny rests her head on my chin.
The feeling I got when I woke up Christmas morning, in a house filled with people I love, next to a warm fireplace made my Christmas.

Then there's New Year's Eve.
A lot happened in 2013. I grew up a little more, and hopefully I'll grow up a lot more this year too!
I woke up this morning thinking of 2014 as just another day with a different number.
I made some goals & dreams for the year, most things I knew I would attain.
2014 will be amazing, because I'll create it to be.
I'm running a half marathon in 50 days, and I'll probably run half marathon #2 this year, too!
We're going on our first family vacation outside of Canada since 2006.
My parents will mark 30 years married in June.
There's lots to come and lots to learn.

I'm so proud & excited for myself and those around me! 

Happy 2014 everyone, adios 2013!