Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Nourishment for the Soul

 Sometime ago, I thought that I was done for good with emotional eating & self sabotage & terrifying “pants-don’t-fit” situations. But I wasn’t. Sometime ago, I also thought that working out twice a day, binging nightly, purging daily while pushing my body to train for a half marathon was going to be my forever. But it wasn’t. Sometime ago, I had bullshit beliefs about how my worth was equal to my weight, “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”, “no pain no gain” and the biggest one “once I’m skinny, someone will love me.” 

I ran my half marathon February 2014. It was definitely a painful journey to get there. I was incredibly proud to cross the finish line in under 3 hours. After that, I would run every now and again. But mostly, I felt lost, I felt like I wasn’t Lauren anymore and I was scared that the only way to keep the weight off was to keep up the lifestyle I’d become accustomed to over the past year.

Jordan and I met in the summer of 2014. I was still slimmer that I used to be, but not necessarily “perfect” in my mind. My self confidence was slightly boosted still, but I had a demon who could bring me to my knees at any moment. I can remember feeling decent about walking into the coffee shop to meet Jordan for the first time. Hoping that my shirt wouldn’t cling in the wrong places and that my butt looked good. I was still always feeling like I wasn’t good enough, that I still wasn’t what society deemed to be beautiful.

Fast forward to today. I’ve had a wild year and a half. During the summer of 2014, I decided to move to Fort McMurray and see where that would take me. I gave up my apartment, packed up my things and drove 450 km’s north. 1 month later, I walked into that coffee shop to meet my dream man and he turned my world upside down in the best way possible. We took our relationship seriously from the start. After Christmas, Jordan moved up to Fort McMurray to be with me and hopefully make some decent money to start off our lives together. It didn’t last long. We both missed home & Jordan decided to pursue his apprenticeship and finish his 4th year.
By April of 2015 we moved back home. We found a place by mid May, and moved in June 1. By August, we were engaged.

There’s something to be said for being so comfortable in a relationship. Jordan could see me. Jordan knew I was worthy and deserving. Even though I couldn’t. I wouldn’t say that I “let myself go” but I for sure knew that my weight wasn’t a worry for Jordan. Unless I was extremely unhealthy, Jordan wasn’t going to leave me because I’d gone up a pant size. I knew that he loved me for who I was. And that’s something I still have difficulty understanding.

I recently went through 8 weeks of a Holistic Body Love course. It’s formulated with information that is going to help me for years to come and I can’t fathom not sharing it with everyone. The course opened my eyes to the idea that “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” is bullshit. That “no pain no gain” is a terrible way to nourish my body & soul. That it’s okay that I eat chocolate. And actually, that it’s okay that I eat.

I strongly encourage you all, to get your minds to a place of nourishment. To seek out what serves you & your body. Don’t push yourself into the deep dark holes of diet fads and malnourishment. Speak to your body, know your mind… it just might open you up to a whole new person.