Monday, February 2, 2015

What if....

What if I told you, that since my half marathon, I haven't ran longer than 10 km again.
What if I told you, that I lied to myself, repeatedly, saying "I can do this on my own, I don't need to follow weight watchers, or track my food, or use points."
What if I told you, that there were nights I binge ate and then cried. Or tried on dresses, that used to be loose but are now so tight.
What if I told you, that I lost 32 lbs, and gained them all back.
What if I told you, that even though all of this stuff up there, happened. It's okay.

Sometimes, you're going to fall. Sometimes, its going to take a while to get yourself back up. Sometimes, no matter how bad you want it and how focused you are, you can lose sight of what the goal was.

I did.

6 months ago, I changed. I moved, to a new city, a new space.
I left behind MANY inspiring women, who built me up, who worked out with me, who pushed my past my limits.
I moved the safe space to another room and had to start over.
I promised myself I wouldn't flounder. I wouldn't use it as an excuse to be sucked back in.

It did.

I miss Edmonton and the people I love there, SO much.
But I think moving to Fort McMurray has also given me a dose of reality.
It needs to be ME who pushes, who inspires and who builds ME up.
I cannot use this as an excuse.

I'm back on Weight Watchers - I'm ashamed and embarrassed. But no one else forced the food down my throat, or made the decision for me to sit on the couch instead of working out.
YES, work out buddies are great, YES, people who are on Weight Watchers are like minded and it's helpful when you're choosing a meal.
NO, that will not always be there.

I need to do this myself.
A little bit of tough love and dusting off the old runners, starting small... but I know I can.

I'll get here again. I promise.