the pantless, overeating, completely lost days

To follow yesterday's posts on the way my life flipped a bitch...

For the next few months after Guy and I split. I really hated myself. and I mean really.
There wasn't a day that I could look at myself in the mirror and not hate everything I saw. I was this blonde, over weight, bitch to myself. It came to the point that I was showering in the dark.
Pathetic, I know.

I remember slowly dragging my ass out of bed for an 8 am class, taking the long way to school to minimize the amount of people I had to see and staying in a fog through all of my classes. I didn't study, I didn't even give one gram of fuck. I let the whole situation overtake me.

** Now, I know some of you might be rolling your eyes right now thinking "oh my god, this guy dumped you, get over yourself."

But it was more than that. I lost someone I loved. Someone I made a decision to let in. To trust. I'd given a lot of myself to this person. And so did my family. It wasn't JUST about the fact that he chose someone else over me. It was being depressed but knowing full well, I could feel a different way. But I chose not to. I physically ached, emotionally drained from crying every single day for months.
It was exhausting hating myself.
There was one day where I crawled into the shower, turned up the heat and sobbed on my knees in the bathtub. I begged for God to just take me right then and there. I kept repeating "I hate myself, please please." I needed help. I needed something to drag me out of this hole I was in.

It went on for months. Most of the people I had around me were great. I had so much support. From my family and my friends. It was amazing. There was just so much love, and I didn't understand why they could love me, but Guy couldn't.
December rolls around. My favorite month. My birthday and Christmas were just around the corner and I wanted absolutely nothing to do with them. I didn't want to plan a birthday, I just wanted to skip the whole month and forget about it.
On December 23, I found out that I was "required to withdraw" from school. Perfect! Another kick to the ribs! By this point, I think I'm finally starting to realize, enough is enough.

I stopped feeling sorry for myself. I quit that shit cold turkey. I put on pants more regularly and started to care about what was going into my body.
That "help" I needed, the answer I was looking for... was me. I needed to change what was going on if I wanted things to get better.

This is finally where I started to realize, I was the change my life was missing.

annnnd we're back... Part II

We're packed. Everything is shoved into the car. I have a gorgeous apartment waiting for me.
Guy and I are thinking, sooner or later, we'll move in together.

Ever since I can remember, my mom and dad have told me not to "put all my eggs in one basket."
Man do I wish I'd listened to them more through my relationship.

We drove the 5 hours home, talking about the future, how exciting this was. We were in the middle of planning a trip at Christmas to somewhere warm. After our trip, within the next year and a bit, we were going to buy a car and move in together. We were on the way to starting this amazing life.

... ahem, another fun fact, I cry. Alot. I just can't help it. Mainly when I'm happy. It's just who I am.

So here I am, crying. Guy's being so supportive and we're having the best drive home together.

The semester starts, I hate school. I'm not a school person. Guy's lovin it, already kickin ass. We're in the first week of school and he's already studying his ass off for an exam. I remember sitting in my room of my apartment, watching him study out at the kitchen table. Just being soooo grateful that I had this amazing man in my life. He supports my dreams, keeps me accountable and we laugh, SO much.

........ Insert dramatic slap across the face here .......

Three days later, I'm standing in the kitchen, listening to Guy tell me it's just "not working." I can remember not even having words to say, I was pacing, crying and feeling like the walls of my apartment were closing on me. Soon after this conversation, he was gone. We were over.
I'll be honest... I don't think I wore pants for a few months. :/ Awkward, but it happened. I let everything in my life slide. Really slide.
Over the next few months, I stopped living. (I hate admitting this, but it's part of it.) I didn't work out, I ate so much unhealthy food, I didn't cook for myself. I started making excuses and I never went out. I didn't keep plans with friends. I was lying to the people who loved and supported me. I was depressed. I ended up finding out that there was someone else for a while when Guy and I were together. It stung, really bad.
So I did what every girl does after losing her first love. Went through the stages of greif. Hated myself, cried a lot, ripped up pictures, wrote down all my angry thoughts and slept. Cause every time I would open my eyes, I fuckin hated being awake.

Now, it takes two to tango. No, our relationship wasn't perfect. Far from it. I made mistakes, Guy made mistakes. I'm actually grateful that the break up happened. I needed it to. I'm a true believer in everything happens for a reason. Guy seems happy now, I think. I really hope so. Because he deserves to be. Just like I do. I'm on the path to discovering that I do deserve good things. I am worth something. I don't let being cheated on, or abonded define what happens in my future.

I'm living in this moment right here... all I know is, I'm having a really delicious lunch. And I'm okay not knowing much more than that.

It's a loooong one! Grab your butt cushions! Part I

I figure if I'm going to have a blog, I'm going to have to be open and honest.

So...
Lauren meets Guy. It takes a few months to get Lauren to really want to be in a relationship with Guy. Guy is infatuated with Lauren. Lauren decides to give him a chance.
Followed over the next year and a bit... Guy and Lauren are together, Lauren gets scared and breaks up with Guy.
         I was young... stupid, scared and had ZIPPO trust in the other gender. Except my daddy. And my brother. That's IT!

Grab kleenex my friends... This part was TOUGH.  Everything is still vivid in my mind. September long weekend. Labour day. My dad was away working, my brother was moved out for a while now. So things were always just me and mom. She had the day off work, and so did I. We decided to spend the lovely sunny day out and about. On our way home, I had to pull the car over (I had just gotten my license so was soaking up every driving opportunity) to let an ambulance drive by. Both my mom and I panicked when we saw the ambulance turn down our street. We took the long way around, curious to know where the ambulance had parked itself... Sirens got louder and louder as we turned the corner closest to our house. There it was.

The ambulance was parked on the sidewalk across the street from my house. At a very close family friends house. BACK STORY: I moved to this street when I was 10. I immediately took my babysitting course and started to babysit kids in the neighbourhood. Enter Little G. He and his brother were my favorite. We would build forts, bike ride, go on walks to the parks, bake, watch awesome disney movies and play boardgames. His brother was an amazing athlete. Unfortunately, Little G was bound to a wheelchair after many years of digression of his body. But this had NO effect on how Little G looked at life. My favorite words he ever said to me were that "dreams are free". I'll never forget him.

So, from that paragraph there, I'm sure you've all connected the dots and realized that Little G was in trouble. I don't want to get into details, but later that night we lost a beautiful little boy. I also lost a part of me when Little G went to heaven. I wasn't the same person for months. I was 18 when Little G passed away. I didn't understand. And in turn, I pushed everyone I loved away.

Guy and I took a break.

Fast forward: I'm mending. Figuring out death sucks, but it's a part of life. Guy's moved out, we're pretty serious at this point. No more going back and forth. I took a personal development course (mainly to sort out my emotions of losing Little G) which long story short, made me finally realize all I really want is Love. To get love, I was gunna have to open up juuuuust enough to try and make this work. I remember having a conversation with Guy about how I had learnt that I was scared, that I didn't trust men and ultimately that I was willing to give this a shot. We ended up staying together from this point on.

TONS of stuff happened, changes in both of our lives. Career changes and just life happened. But we managed to stick together. I was starting to feel the love and really trust Guy. We were inseprable.

My family ended up leaving the city. My mom and dad settled in a new town so my dad wouldn't have to travel and be away so much anymore. I had the opportunity to make some really good money before I went into University. He also had the opportunity to work for good money. So we took em. That meant a loooong long distance for Guy and I.

We did it... It sucked, but it worked, we made it work. There were times we would go months without seeing each other. But it was the best thing for us, individually. When I finally moved back to Edmonton to go to school, Guy came back from working away too. It was kind of an adjustment, getting into a routine and thinking about your significant other. But I was so happy to be back. Completely relieved. Just sayin... I'm NOT military wife material. Props to those of you who can do it. But I loved Guy sooo much. I hated every second being away from him. So when the semester ended, and I had yet another opportunity to go back to my old job and make boat loads o cash again, I needed to figure out a way Guy could come too!

We found Guy a job, working with a great company. He moved in with my mom, dad, brother (he was soaking up the cash to save for his upcoming wedding) and I. My parents are the BOMB. Seriously. They fed us, housed us and loved us for 5 months. There were some trying times for sure. But we all stuck together and made it work!

My family, my brother's wedding 2011. 

 

All of a sudden, it was August and a new semester back in Edmonton was just around the corner...

werkin it

Since May of last year, I've been on a weight loss journey. I've always struggled with my weight. Went through the horrible teenage years of people making fun of me, looking at my weight before my personality and had many a guys influence me to the point of me making poor eating choices and starving myself so they would love me more... I'm WAY smarter now. At least I'd like to think so.

I've started to think about everything I've put into my body and I've also noticed how uneblieveabley GREAT I feel when I eat well. It makes a huge difference on my body. I'm not so focused on watching the number drop on the scale (although it's nice to see ;) but I'm trying to listen to what my body tells me.

Confession time: Raise your hand if you're an emotional eater.
Even though you can't see it... BOTH of my hands are flyin' high in the air right now.

This is something I am reallllly struggling with.
I've mastered the guilt trip after I've eaten a bag of peanut butter m&m's. But I just can't seem to get myself to stop.
I even have the thought,
        "What are you doing? You'e gunna be pissed at yourself.. don't do ittttttt!!!!!"
But it still happens. Over. And Over. Again & Again.

The way I look at it, I'm somewhat aware. I'm working on it. I'm doing the best I can do and hopefully one day, I'll eliminate emotional eating all together.

Until then, I'm committed to choosing a healthy lifestyle for myself. I've been on weight watchers for a few months now. The plan works. It REALLY works. As long as you stick to it, keep tracking and be accountable. The best thing you can do is be honest with yourself. Just because no one is there when you eat the chocolate bar, doesn't mean it's not going to change things.

I'm also learning to love running... like actually love it. Never thought I'd say it, but there it is!

At the end of the day, all we have is ourselves. We are responsible for the choices we make.
I don't know about y'all...
But I want to choose healthy.

Get to know me with 20 facts

Hi y'all!
I'm Lauren! This is my first personal post on this blog.
Today is the day I'm bearing it all... I've been inspired to share with people who could possibly relate. Here's me in Santa Monica on the best vacation with my Best Friend!

So... a little about me!
~ I'm 22 and living in the beautiful city of Edmonton! Proud to be a Canadian girl.
~ I'm a receptionist for a real estate company and LOVE my job
~ I've lived across Canada throughout my life due to my Dad's work. I've moved 15 times in total... last year 7 times alone.
~ Don't even bother trying to get me to make full, meaningful sentences before I've had coffee in the morning.
~ I love Hot Yoga!
~ I want to start training to run a half marathon
~ Anything to do with hearts, bows or polka dots, I'm SOLD
~ I use the words cray cray and jello, more than I would like
~ I curse. A lot.
~ My biggest dream is to become a mom
~ That's sorta the truth... I'd also like to become a doula
~ I recently met Minnie Mouse and it was a huge check from my bucket list
~ I love my brother and sister in law more than most people love their siblings
~ I am a huge animal lover of all kinds... but my favorite pet would be a dog. Or a hippo. That song "I want a hippopotamus" I sang that. No I didn't. But I wish I did.
~ I HATE having sticky hands (*insert inappropriate joke here*)
~ Following that... I'm not always appropriate. No apologies.
~ My favorite season is winter
~ I was a figure skater
~ My favorite movie is PS I love you
~ aaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnndddddddd, my favorite color is pink!


So there you have it folks....... that's me! Love it or hate it!

 L