Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Self love & Self Sabotage

How many times in life have I said...
I wish... I want... I can't wait till...

This morning, I read my daily email from the Universe! It's one of the things I most look forward to in my morning routine. I sip my coffee & read the chosen email of the day.
Sometimes, they strike absolutely nothing in me, and I delete them.
Other days, the emails are so bang on, I get goosebumps.
Today was a goosebump day. Guess I better get at it.


How quickly would you like to be surrounded by wealth and abundance, Lauren? Have even more friends and enjoy more laughter? How fast would you like to Fall in love , or have your own fabulous self confidence ? 

If you answered "Pronto," "ASAP," or "Duh" to any or all of these questions, could it be that you've momentarily forgotten that the absolute fastest way to manifest change is to claim that you already have it? To withdraw your attention from the yearning? To think, speak, and act "as if"? 

I didn't think so. 

Tallyho, ho, ho, 
    The Universe

Lately, I've been struggling daily with self-love & battling a lot of blame and self-sabotage.
I made a decision about my relationship with someone that I've had a hard time sticking to.
At the same time, my beautiful best friend, made a similar one.
We've spent about 90% of our time, together. And I'm SO grateful that the universe handed us this at the same time. It has brought us even closer than we ever could have imagined & has proved us with an enlightened understanding of each others inner workings. I wouldn't be able to do this without her.

When you doubt yourself, what does that look like for you?
For me, doubting myself leads to endless eating of unnecessary food. This is called binge eating.
It sometimes gets to the point of uncomfortable. I lose all control and I get the feeling where I just cannot stop. I want so badly to curb this habit. I have definitely made progress from where I used to be... aka: Hiding chocolate under my bed as a teenager, buying food with my babysitting money and eating it when no one could see me, and even middle of the night or early morning junk binges.
Once I've stuffed myself like a Thanksgiving turkey, I sit in a puddle of anger and loathing.
I hate no one but myself.
While I'm eating, I feel "full". Not, I can't eat anymore "full", "full" as in a void is filled.
Something that was missing, isn't anymore.
The feeling lasts all of two seconds.
And then I feel empty again. And then I feel hate.
My mind races with thoughts and feelings. "Remember that bikini you soooo badly wanted to fit into? Guess that's not happening anymore..." "Really, Lauren? Again..?" "God, I wish I could stop this..."
Sometimes, I cry. Sometimes, I just go to sleep.

This happens in waves. More so when I get overwhelmed with a lot of life things happening.
I'm definitely getting better at stopping myself, asking myself if I really need it, or keeping myself occupied with another task to keep my mind away from eating.
I want so badly to say, that this will never happen again. That I won't binge one late night when I feel overwhelmed and lonely. But I can't yet.
What I can say, is that I'm trying. I'm desperately trying to put the binge eating behind me and find healthy alternatives to turn to.

At the end of the day, I'm not perfect. ( I KNOW THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION!!!!!!)
But my new favorite saying is, I hold myself to a standard of grace and not perfection. 
I'm a work in progress. And I always hope to be.
The self love needs to step up a notch & the self-sabotage needs to back off.
I just have to remember that, bottom line, I'm going to be okay.


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