What it felt like to Turn ON the lights

I've mentioned in previous posts, that I disliked myself so much that I created a habit of always showering in the dark. The bathroom light, barely ever turned on.
If it did, I was already dressed.
I avoided mirrors until clothes covered my body because I couldn't bare to look at myself.
This continued for many months.
Jokes about mixing up conditioner and shampoo aside... It gave me an eerie calming feeling.
It was like nothing could see me, nothing could touch me and most importantly nothing could hurt me.
My hurt stemmed from self abuse. I was starving myself and torturing my mind and body because I felt I deserved it.
All for a guy. PFT. Glad I got over that. 

It sounds like a have a phobia, while I wouldn't go that far, there was a point where I said enough is enough.
I specifically remember Jana saying "Quit that shit already."
She was right, enough was enough.
I started to turn on the lights... and it wasn't so bad.
I started to see me for me, for every mole, every freckle, every crease and dimple.
I didn't like what I saw.
So I started slowly.
I wrote little messages with window writers on my mirrors.
Things like: "You're beautiful", "Stay Strong", "No man will ever define you"
Little reminders to myself that I'm worthy, that I deserve good things & I deserve the light switches turned ON.

As ladies do, we compare, we dream & we desire.
All for something different than what we already have.
The grass is always greener. But it isn't.
There's new trends going around that freak me out, quite honestly.
Bikini Bridges? Those creepy collar bones? Thigh Gaps?
Oh goooodddd. Enough already.
I'm guilty. 100%.
I want a tight, toned body. And I'll work for it to get it.
But I wanted to enjoy the ride & be able to watch my progress.
I wanted to not look in the mirror and hate myself every step of the way.
Turning on the lights, gave me a new perspective.
When I stopped showering in the dark, I promised myself that for every negative body comment I made, I had to think up 3 good ones.
It's playing a game with myself, I realize that.
But slowly, the negative body talk, ended.

Yes. There are days that I grab at my stomach and suck it all in.
That I wish it was happening faster & that I wish I did more squats.
But the reality is, no matter where you are in a health journey... even if you aren't even on one...
Turn ON the lights.
Brighten your body talk.
We all deserve to help each other turn on the light switches... no one should live in darkness alone.