Who gave me the right?

Today, I'm writing about some MAJOR frustration I had over the weekend.
Which made my Monday morning a this vs that day.

Last week, I worked pretty darn hard at my eating choices and exercise.
I pushed myself (running/walking to Zumba) and made sure I didn't give up on myself.
There were a few little "give in" moments, where I did have a snack that could have been more healthy, or I could have just drank water instead.
But I figured, "at least I'm not eating the entire bag of chips..."
Friday, I REALLY behaved myself (ok... I had ONE fry off my friends plate at lunch!) I made sure that I washed down looooooots of water and peppermint tea.
Saturday morning rolled around, I stood on the scale, and tears flooded my eyes.
I gained.

I immediately felt defeated.
I felt sick to my stomach, and I just wanted to punch the lady weighing me in.
I wanted to flip tables.

Most of all, I wanted to EAT.
My leader came around the table, gave me a hug and told me that I better not give up.
But that's just what I wanted to do.
This is what I thought:
I am SICK and TIRED of planning my life around these DAMN points...
My whole life revolves around the choices of what I eat next.
My mind is constantly fluttering around with thoughts of "drink more water", "eat veggies!", "you need to run tonight"
This "journey" is a load of shit.
I'll never get there, I'll never be beautiful the way I want to be.
My goal of a bikini is ridiculous.

Needless to say, I was really beating myself up.
Thank GOD my best friend was at this weigh in with me.
And double thank GOD, my mom was in town and at my apartment when I got home.
Because the minute her hands wrapped around me, I was sobbing!!!!!
(thanks momma...<3)

I went out to the lake all day Saturday, and I will admit, I could have made better choices of the amount of junk food I ate.
I noticed if I was getting full though, and I stopped myself from getting ridiculously out of hand... but I still ate a lot of it!
I threw in some fruit, but majority was Dino-Sours (YUMM!) and Chips (weakness!)
Sunday, I somewhat thought about my healthy choices (ordered hollandaise sauce on the side.. not bad)
It wasn't until late Sunday night, when Pam sent me a "how ya doin" text...
I admitted it.
I ordered pizza... which I'd been craving forever.
But something was different. I ate the pizza slices, with a WHOLE separate place of veggies.
Pizza is okay... every now and again. It's not great, but life happens... you gotta indulge.
Pam said the same thing, which made me feel better. Plus, I jumped around my apartment to get my fit bit higher in steps.
Then came this morning...
I was getting dressed and was sorting through my clothes thinking...
"Oh god, it's gunna be one of these... I hate how I look, nothing looks good, I'm too fat, you look like shit no matter what..." days.
Except it stopped right there.
I told myself "enough".

Would I talk to my best friend like this?
NOPE.
Would I talk to my sister in law like this?
NOPE.
Would I talk to a complete stranger like this?
NOPE.
SOOOOO Why in the HELL are you saying it to YOURSELF?
Who gave me the right to be that AWFUL to me?

Even though it's kinda weird to think about (sounds like I'm skitso...) but it's TRUE.
Enough is enough.
I gave myself a hug (literally) and got dressed.
On the way to work, I gave myself a pep talk.
It's a new day.
And I'm a worthy person.