Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Grace & Love

I'm a believer in personal development & learning in many ways to improve myself and be the BEST Lauren I can be.

I've done some "seminar" workshops in the past few years, starting when I was 18.
It was SO enlightening & I was made more aware of so much about myself that I had either decided to hide from or just ignore entirely.
The last seminar I participated in completely changed my life & threw me 180 from where I was.
I wanted the clarity and peace that they provided me again.
I found myself craving it.
So when the opportunity to play "The Samurai Game" arose.. I went for it, immediately. No excuses, I decided I would make the payments work, I was just going to DIVE right in.

This weekend provided me with more than I figured it would. As time approached, I found myself not actually wanting to participate at all.
There were ample moments that my entire body was in full out resistance to the idea of me going to this seminar.
But I went anyways.
I'm not going to talk details at all.
But I am going to say... I am releasing the idea that I am a failure & disappointment.
And I am stepping into the ability to be loved & practice grace!
Pretty freakin' wicked weekend if you ask me.

So with that, I am recommitting to myself and the ability to practice SELF LOVE.
I went out on a run last night, needed to clear my head and just spend some time with my feet and the pavement... or should I say ICE.
EFF MY LIFE.
1. I CANNOT run on a treadmill. I mean I COULD, but I choose not to. I will die of boredom and give up 20 minutes in unless I have countless hours of the Kardashian's to watch in front of me.
2. I WILL NOT run on a track alone. Natalya and I hit up the Kinsmen track last week - and it was awesome, but only because I had her beside me to bitch & complain with.

So my determined little self, laced up, and I headed outside to wander for a while.
I have a path that I absolutely LOVE to run... but I haven't ran it in a while, due to the extremely cold temps and I wasn't sure if it would be clear.
I took the chance last night, because I was so determined and there was something in me that just needed to be pushed.
I found myself in a groove a lot sooner than I normally am.
Most of the paths were bare, until the end of my run.
There were the "oh shitttttt" moments where I caught myself as I was sliding around the downtown paths.
Until this one moment... when I was slowly... and I mean S.L.O.W.....L..........Y running up this perfect sheet of ice.
{I realize that this is ridiculous & some of you are probably like, why did you even go this way?
But it was dark & it's my path and I don't normally stray from it cause I'm scared to go elsewhere and get kidnapped.}
So here I am, slowly chugging up this hill, when it happens...
I lose my footing.
My fingers brisk the ice.
I feel contact with the ice to my chest.
& I'm sliding.
Down.
Faster & Faster.
I hear "oooommmmmfffff"
I've run into another human being whose trying to help me up without me taking him down with me.
{Only in Lauren's life...}

I embarrassingly accepted his help up. And thanked up, while turning bright red & nervously giggling at the thought of him watching me slide stomach first down this hill...
Best part? ... He never said A WORD.
Not once.
Talk about AWKWARD.
I went off on my merry way and finished a lovely 9.94km's in 59 minutes.
Yay me! Boo City for your absolute SHIT pathways...
Remind me again?
Oh right, I'm practicing GRACE... obviously not very literally.

Happy Tuesday
XO



Wednesday, January 15, 2014

What it felt like to Turn ON the lights

I've mentioned in previous posts, that I disliked myself so much that I created a habit of always showering in the dark. The bathroom light, barely ever turned on.
If it did, I was already dressed.
I avoided mirrors until clothes covered my body because I couldn't bare to look at myself.
This continued for many months.
Jokes about mixing up conditioner and shampoo aside... It gave me an eerie calming feeling.
It was like nothing could see me, nothing could touch me and most importantly nothing could hurt me.
My hurt stemmed from self abuse. I was starving myself and torturing my mind and body because I felt I deserved it.
All for a guy. PFT. Glad I got over that. 

It sounds like a have a phobia, while I wouldn't go that far, there was a point where I said enough is enough.
I specifically remember Jana saying "Quit that shit already."
She was right, enough was enough.
I started to turn on the lights... and it wasn't so bad.
I started to see me for me, for every mole, every freckle, every crease and dimple.
I didn't like what I saw.
So I started slowly.
I wrote little messages with window writers on my mirrors.
Things like: "You're beautiful", "Stay Strong", "No man will ever define you"
Little reminders to myself that I'm worthy, that I deserve good things & I deserve the light switches turned ON.

As ladies do, we compare, we dream & we desire.
All for something different than what we already have.
The grass is always greener. But it isn't.
There's new trends going around that freak me out, quite honestly.
Bikini Bridges? Those creepy collar bones? Thigh Gaps?
Oh goooodddd. Enough already.
I'm guilty. 100%.
I want a tight, toned body. And I'll work for it to get it.
But I wanted to enjoy the ride & be able to watch my progress.
I wanted to not look in the mirror and hate myself every step of the way.
Turning on the lights, gave me a new perspective.
When I stopped showering in the dark, I promised myself that for every negative body comment I made, I had to think up 3 good ones.
It's playing a game with myself, I realize that.
But slowly, the negative body talk, ended.

Yes. There are days that I grab at my stomach and suck it all in.
That I wish it was happening faster & that I wish I did more squats.
But the reality is, no matter where you are in a health journey... even if you aren't even on one...
Turn ON the lights.
Brighten your body talk.
We all deserve to help each other turn on the light switches... no one should live in darkness alone.








Monday, January 13, 2014

"You've lost weight this week"

I hit up my regular Saturday morning meeting this week. Filled with the faces I love to see, & even though I haven't been in a while... I still got the warm fuzzy feeling I always get from my WW peeps!

I wasn't nervous or excited about this meeting.
I knew it might not be what I wanted to hear... but I knew I needed to hear it.
Whatever the number was, I'll deal with it.
I kept repeating this to myself all week.
You've done it before, you can do it again.
Yet, I found myself "going easy", I didn't beat myself up too much. There were moments of "um you sure you wanna do that?" but there were also moments where I made the right decision... I mean I ordered a veggie platter at The Canadian Brewhouse for Pete's sake... that's dedication!

I stood on the scale.
"You're down 4.6 this week"
I'M SORRY, WHAT?!?
How in the hell did that happen?
My response was "Well it's about time!"
But, I hadn't really done anything.
I did work out a few times, I watched what I was eating way better & I didn't eat a scone for breakfast every. single. morning.
It's the little things is what I'm trying to say.
If you are out there, somewhere, and struggling to find a way to start... start itty bitty.
Start with replacing the 3rd Full fat latte of the day, with tea or water.
Start by adding a handful of almonds in between your meals.
Don't just quit cold turkey.

The reason I love weight watchers is because of exactly that.
You don't have to QUIT anything.
Everything is in moderation. If you want it, have it... but don't eat 15 reese peanut butter cups in one sitting.
That's just not okay & you'll probably get diabetes.
Plus, that shit
does not make you feel good about yourself.

I promised myself I would learn to love me for me.
Whether heavy or light... whether fast or slow...
I was learning to love myself for my imperfections. No. Matter. What.

Did I take a hiatus from running for the month of December? Yup.
Did I overindulge on Holiday goodness? A little bit, yup.
Did I consistently call myself fat & ugly? NOPE.

There's my change.
I know I'm not fat & ugly. NO ONE IS.
I will always struggle with my relationship with food... but that's okay.
I have accepted that food & I don't always get along, but I'm stronger now & have way more tools and support to make it through the days that food tries to succumb me.

2014, will be the tits.
It already has been.
I'm still dedicated, I'm running a half marathon & I love myself.
What more could I need?



Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Hello? Motivation? Where are you?

Okay - I am exactly 45 days away until I run a half marathon. I have 368 days till I hit the beaches of Maui for Natalya and my Goal Weight Vacation.
I'm missing something?...
Oh right. ya! My motivation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What the effffff, Lauren?
I've gained about 4 lbs over the holidays and I'm all devastated like I have no idea what happened...
But I did it to myself. So it's time to undo it.
Enough already.
I'm self sabotaging myself, I'm making excuses. Even my fitbit is asking me WTF?

Excuses:
1. Lazy
2. Procrastination
3. Too cold
4. I've got time... (slowly becoming a reality that I REALLY don't have time)
5. My body is pissed I haven't been moving - so I'm sore and constantly hurting myself
6. Other things to do

I'm going back to 30 min Hit tonight, I need to punch something in the face & hopefully it's the Food Devil in my head.
Spinach smoothies are coming back in full force.
I feel like garbage & I'm at the end of my rope with myself...






Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Holiday Wrap Up!

I have so many thoughts running through my mind tonight...
I'm cuddled closely with the family fur baby. Thankfully she's been with me for a week while my parents deservingly hit the beaches of Mexico.
The same day they left, my best friend and her family took off to Orlando for vacation.
I've had ample opportunity to think, be silent & relax over the holidays that I actually welcomed going back to work.
Odd.

This Christmas was amazing. Every year it is.
But this one was special. We had our family of 5 + fur baby in my brother's first home.
We're a totally normal family. We get on each other's nerves, we get frustrated & say things we don't mean. But we really love each other.
I am SO proud of my brother & sister in law for hosting us all this Christmas. Mainly because they have created a really "warm" home.
I ended up squatting there for most of the week - it was really nice to be around everyone, even though I had to work. It was nice to wake up to a house filled with people I love.
I've done a really great job of learning to love the home I created & being alone, if I say so myself.
But there's still moments that I really wish I shared them with someone. That I could wake up to another human in the mornings.
Someone to hug & talk with when I get home from work. It'll come someday soon, I hope.
But for the holidays, this was the best gift my siblings could give to me. Waking up in a warm house, filled with people I love. It was the greatest feeling.

"People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel" ~ Maya Angelou
This couldn't be more true.

The feeling that I get when my brother tells me he's proud of me, the feeling I get when my sister in law tells me she loves me, the feeling I get when my mom runs her fingers through my hair as I rest my head on her chest, the feeling I get when my dad calls me little muffin, the feeling I get when my best friend and I laugh so hard when we first wake up after a night of Gilmore girls, the feeling I get when Penny rests her head on my chin.
The feeling I got when I woke up Christmas morning, in a house filled with people I love, next to a warm fireplace made my Christmas.

Then there's New Year's Eve.
A lot happened in 2013. I grew up a little more, and hopefully I'll grow up a lot more this year too!
I woke up this morning thinking of 2014 as just another day with a different number.
I made some goals & dreams for the year, most things I knew I would attain.
2014 will be amazing, because I'll create it to be.
I'm running a half marathon in 50 days, and I'll probably run half marathon #2 this year, too!
We're going on our first family vacation outside of Canada since 2006.
My parents will mark 30 years married in June.
There's lots to come and lots to learn.

I'm so proud & excited for myself and those around me! 

Happy 2014 everyone, adios 2013!